Eagle eyed readers will note from my sidebar that I have finally finished re-reading Dan Simmons "Hyperion", and that I have started re-reading the follow up "The Fall Of Hyperion". That makes my current reading schedule for 2008 four books in four months. Phew! That is a white hot reading rate, I must say.

Totally coincidentally, I recently read here on the Empire Online website of plans afoot to make a single movie of "Hyperion" and "The Fall Of Hyperion".

Er... No. I don't think so.

I like movies and I like books so, of course, I will be interested in seeing a movie adaptation of a favourite book. Sure I will. Even if I think that the book is unfilmable. Surprise me. Prove me wrong. Please. (I am currently waiting for Zack Snyder's movie adaptation of Alan Moore's "Watchmen". I have high hopes. Sadly "Watchmen" is not due out until 3rd March 2009. Bastards!)

But not "Hyperion" and "The Fall Of Hyperion". Please, no. Too big, too detailed, too complex and too subtle for a single movie. In fact, when they get in contact with me to ask what I think, I will tell them that the very idea is fucking ridiculous.

What did I promise once about never criticising a movie until I have seen it? Er...

I will go to see the movie if it is made. I have great doubts that the movie will ever happen, but I suppose they said the same about the "Lord Of The Rings" trilogy.

To end this fine Friday, a Me Me Me, nicked from Life On Planet Me.

What's your favourite word in the English Language?
Preambulation.

When did you last pay to go see a movie?
Last Sunday. I went to see "Happy-Go-Lucky".

Whats the worst smell in the world?
Cheese.

What was the first prize you ever won?
First prize in a Reading Aloud competition. 1972. I was 9. I only won because I have a big gob.

Have you ever had a supernatural experience?
In times of stress my Dad visits me in my dreams. True.

Whats your Karaoke song of choice?
"Jumping Jack Flash" by da Stones, but I haven't done that for a while.

How much is a pint of milk?
No idea. The milk is always bundled in with other things. I would estimate about a quid thirty?

Whats the worst thing you've ever put in your mouth?
I once went into the kitchen and there was a puddle on the floor. It looked like orange juice, so I dipped a finger in it and tasted. It wasn't orange juice. I can still hear Ben the Cat laughing.

Who is the best James Bond?
Michael Jayston in the radio adaptation of "You Only Live Twice".

When were you last star struck?
It was a very, very big deal to me getting George Lazenby's autograph. A lovely, nice man. Old school gentleman.

Whats your favourite joke?
I don't know about favourite, but this is a recent joke I came across.

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?", the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!", the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!", the golfer answers. "I'm a famous golfer now."

He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're doing all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out the exact amount every time. I didn't even know it were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."