A new guy joined the Infrastructure Systems Team today. The team leader of that team decided to introduce the new guy to everybody.

When team leader and new guy got to me, I shook new guy's hand and said something like, "Welcome to the crucible of ultimate evil". New guy smiled and the team leader laughed, without any of the laughter reaching his eyes, mind.

Then team leader said, "Don't mind Jerry. He's the joker around here."

The joker around here. Is that what I am? Is that how they see me? I don't really know how to take that. Better than being seen as a miserable, moaning, old git, I suppose.

Or should the word 'joker' be replaced with 'gobshite'? Maybe.

Flashback to 1984.

I was 21 and two years into my first job working as a computer operator. Shift working, but I had no social life as such, and I really loved that job. I worked hard. I pushed myself. One of the shift leaders had left and I had been promoted. I had a couple of younger guys working for me, which was great, but I was never happy with their work. They never worked as hard as me. They never put as much effort in as me. They were never as good as me. They were never as driven as me. I had to show them, all of the time, how to do the fucking job.

Months went by.

One day, the DP Manager took me into his office and sat me down, and this is what he said.

"Jerry, the work you are doing is good, but you need to calm down. Nobody likes working with you because of your attitude. You are way too intense. Way too over the top. Trying to do everything yourself is not the way to go. You need to let your team make their own mistakes and be there to help them when those mistakes happen. That is how people learn. That is what being a manager is all about."

It was at that moment that I learnt my essential problem. I am a big mouth. It has been a constant battle to try to stop myself from being a big mouth.

Back in 1984 I took steps. I tried to become very small and quiet. I tried to take the time to listen to people. I tried to delegate. (Never happy doing that, mind, because in the back of my mind I knew I could do the job better than some people.) Things improved. I started to get invited to things. I made some friends. (None that lasted, mind, but that is me.)

I think maybe I need to become very small and quiet again. To bite my tongue when I feel to need to say something. To stop being a big mouth.

Jennifer has told me many, many times that I am not doing her career any good while we work at the same company, because of my urge to showboat, to spill forth my opinions. She is right. I am sorry about that.

I really should just get another job. A new start.